All right. I got lucky. I suddenly remembered how to exit the alcoholic loop.
The first time this happened was some 7 years ago, when I lived almost next to the Vietnamese food store that was run by two women. in 高雄. The shitshow was in full swing at the time, and yeah, it just didn’t work. Even that old friend who I mentioned a few posts ago was acting ‘the supposed’ way cuz whatever.
But yeah that’s just only annoying other than anything else. And the damage you actually do is much bigger than you think.
Anyway. It was the first time. It lasted a month. That had never happened before. Nowadays I have medication though, so it’s actually “easy” to snap out of it. Pick a day, and take medication. 1mg of lorazepam kinda does a lot already.
The point is that when things get really bad you wake up with the feeling that you want to go on drinking. It’s psychological, and it’s weird. That really did not happen before. I could of course blame the dopamine related shitshow, which obviously didn’t help, but also after years of doing nothing and drinking and watching nonsense I guess things go wrong at some point.
This is not too weird. But I needed my painkillers. Good old self-medication right. I was also being tortured, something that didn’t help obviously. Anyway, I never had that before; in fact I was always a bit disgusted by beer for breakfast so to say. I used to be hardly capable of getting that through my throat.
Things changed over the past few years, sadly enough.
I also know that big parts of what I care(d) about at all the damage that was artificially conducted will not heal. It’s not possible. I won’t forget either. It’s just how it is. It’s life I guess, you get used for genius by genius with the method of genius. And when it turns out to have been lunatic nonsense you just shrug and say ‘oh well, better luck next time’. And that’s about it.
Do people write about these things? It’s not really a life, it’s better to be dead, trust me on that. People must have written about it. My problems were artificially created, that’s what makes it so bizarre. You turned the moments I was happy into a complete hell by means of completely derailed psychology and just be a bunch of kindergartenkids who use kindergartentechniques to bully people, and then expected — I’m not even sure what exactly you were expecting.
You ruined me, and for some strange reason were convinced that you had to go on. But you have been chasing delusions and only handed me an insane amount of insurmountable problems to cope with.
Why is it so hard to accept? You literally were supervising it, while making this worse and worse. Haven’t you ruined enough? To get back to an old question:
What is wrong with you?
